Why I'm Not Giving Up... Yet. (Random Thoughts, Edition #2)

I'm home alone, and the house is oh-so silent. I've got myself a cup of real hot cocoa (real, as in made with milk instead of water.) My husband and two boys are out with my brother, who is visiting us here in Israel. We had a great day of hiking and climbing, and I'm pooped out now.

At first, I thought, hey -- quiet house, I should take some time to work. Then I said forget that, why do I always have to be working, writing, and running? Can't I just chill?

So I'm chilling, and writing this blog post. *sips from hot cocoa*

Random thought #1 - babymaking updates

I had mentioned several blog posts before that in December, we were going to try again. Try with medication, I mean. We've been trying the old fashioned way this entire time, but as before, it hasn't yielded any great results.

Well, I had thought that I would get my period after my brother left. But as luck would have it, I got it 6 days earlier than I usually do. Lovely. I don't want to spend the time my brother is here with ultrasounds, injections, bloodtests, and running here and there. At first, I thought, I'm going to do this anyway. Then, once I thought about it for a bit, and stopped thinking only with emotions, I realized that would be a bad idea.

So January it will be for us, I guess.

Random thoughts #2 - husbands are obnoxious

Of course, I had hoped that I would just get pregnant on my own. That didn't happen, obviously.

But a few weeks ago, when I thought I might be ovulating (though I'm not sure if and when I did, since something this month was definitely off!), I told my husband, "Hey, come on... let's... you know."

He said he wasn't in the mood, really.

I said he better get in the mood, because if we want to make a baby, this is what you have to do... really.

He said, "But you're not taking medication now."

I said, "I know. So what?"

He said, "It's not going to work anyway without medication."

:-0 (me with dropped open mouth, eyes in shock)

He said, "Well, seriously! It's not going to work, so we don't have to try or anything."

I said, "But what if it did! Or could!"

He said, "It wont."

That pissed me off.. and made me sad.

[note: We did do enough baby dancing, if I did ovulate... and it still didn't work. Sort of making him right. But i still say it also makes him sort of an asshole too for saying it.]

Random thought #3 - i think G-d thinks this is funny...

As I said above, I'm not actually sure when or if I ovulated. I never ovulate so early, rarely get my period by 30 days. Usually, I'm a 36-day-cycle sort of gal. As far as I knew, this month, I was going to get my period in another week.

But that wasn't what would happen. Which gives me an interesting little story to share.

As I said, my brother is visiting. We went to Jerusalem on Monday, and visited the Kotel, the Western Wall. So, I went to the women's side, prayed, and of course, asked what I always ask when I'm there -- for a baby. For G-d to please, please, please let me get pregnant, a healthy pregnancy, a healthy baby. All easy and good things, please, please, please.

We left the Kotel, and I was under the (silly) impression that I made my plea to G-d -- and perhaps he might even help out this time.

Exactly 20 minutes later, I went to the bathroom, and discovered blood. Since it was so very early in my cycle for me, I got a bit excited at first, thinking maybe it was implantation bleeding.

*insert strong belly laughter here*

Oh, how silly! No, it was my period, as I discovered later in the day when more blood came along.

On another occasion, in the past, that I prayed at the Kotel, and I was asking for a baby, a bird pooped on my head. Someone told me that is good luck. I have yet to see that luck.

Another time, I had prayed at the kotel, I was actually pregnant. I prayed for an easy birth, and not to miscarry.

But I miscarried.

When will I learn?

Random Thought #4 -- maybe i'm just not supposed to have another child

When we got home from the Kotel, after I went and changed my clothes and put on a nice thick menstrual pad, I went into our bedroom, sat on my bed, and said to my husband, "Maybe we just aren't supposed to have another baby."

He didn't say anything. At least, I don't remember if he did. I think he just gave me a sad smile.

I said, "Because we have two very good boys here. They are ours, and they are wonderful, and maybe that's all we're going to have."

He said, "Maybe."

I keep toying with the idea of quitting. Of saying ok, forget it, this is our family, it's never going to get bigger, I'm never going to have a third child, and I'm certainly never going to have the big family I always dreamed of. Never going to have a girl, never going to nurse another child, never going to give birth again.

And just get myself some birth control to keep the PCOS in check, and get on with my life. Enough already.

But then, I get these visions in my head that are so damn clear. I can see that baby in my arms, and I feel her warmth against my chest, I can see her nursing with that silly high-on-drugs look that babies get when they breastfeed. I can see myself in the hospital, having just given birth, thanking G-d for my little miracle, thanking myself for not giving up too early and for keeping on the fertility journey even when I wanted to quit.

I can see myself taking that baby home, and that little one being raised by his or her big brothers. I can see that baby saying his or her first words, first steps. I can even see myself pregnant yet again after that one, giving that new little one a sibling closer in age that his or her big brothers.

I see it all so clearly, it's like I'm psychic, like I'm not seeing a fantasy, but the future.

This all keeps me from giving up. At least, it works for now. If it will still keep my hopes up after another year, or another treatment or two, or G-d forbid after another miscarriage, I'm not so sure.

But what kills me most inside is that if none of this will happen, where do those pictures and visions come from? Please don't tell me my imagination. Because you'll break my heart and I'll cry. And I don't want to cry.

Crying is what you do at the end of the movie, and I want to believe this is just a very, very long intermission. Not the end. Not yet.