Rachel's Scrambled Eggs

Drinking in the Poetry This Month

2009-04-06T05:02:00.000-07:00

I'm *so* excited. April is National Poetry Month... in America, anyway, but hey, I'm happy to celebrate here in Israel, too. Why not.

I love poetry, modern poetry, that is. I've been writing poetry since I was a kid; one of my first poems I remember writing in 5th or 6th grade. I wish I had the blank book I wrote those first poems in, but I do actually have the poems that I wrote in high school. I saved the notebooks, and they are in a drawer, in my office. Lots of dark material, but also some very beautiful poetry. Some are dark and beautiful, those aren't mutually exclusive attributes.

When I went looking for my old poetry, last time I visited my parent's house two years ago, I didn't expect to find good poetry. I expected to find lots of crap, honestly. But some of it was really nice.

Anyway, I'm making April poetry month for me, too. There is this fun challenge at Poetic Asides, the poetry blog for Writer's Digest magazine. The challenge is to write a poem for every day of April, based on a prompt. I'm loving it so far! If this sounds like something you might want to participate in, you can read the rules here: Poem-a-Day Challenge

I'm playing, and you can find my poems there in the comment section by searching for my name. 'course, I don't write my full name here on my blog, for my own crazy reasons... but you can email me and ask, if you like: myscrambledeggs @ gmail.com (no spaces)

Another great thing about poetry month? Poets.org is sending out a poem a day all month! (I found out from Leah at http://creativeeveryday.com/. (LOVE her blog, read every entry. To sign up for the poem a day, delivered to your email box, go here.

I'm the Worst Blogger, eh?

2009-04-02T02:30:00.000-07:00

You know, if my ADD isn't clear in my blogging habits, I don't know where it is.

Lots has happened. Let's see, in summary...

We had a war here in Israel. That threw me off completely, which is about the time I forgot about this blog and stopped blogging here.

I went through another treatment cycle in January. It didn't work. That sucked.

Went back to fertility doctor, who came up with a new and improved plan. We're doing IUI this time. We'll see if it works! He told us to have patience. I'm tryin'. We start again when I get my period again.

I decided to resign from a long time teaching position I've had, for a good six years. I did so to have more time for my creative writing, and for my two boys. It's been an exciting, but also scary, experience. Now what's my excuse for not writing my poetry and short stories? (I mean, like, besides the fact that I homeschool by boys and have a almost full time job writing non-fiction... besides that.)

I'd like to blog some more here, but I get all freaked out and scared. It's silly really. Sometimes, I get tired of holding all these secrets, of all different sorts, and even more tired of keeping other people's secrets.

Sometimes, I think that what I'm most afraid of is that I won't be paying attention, and I'll let something slip I didn't mean to let slip.

What am I afraid to let slip? Not tellin', but you know, I think we all have secrets we keep. And this out-there-internet life we have makes the vulnerability meter go off the charts at times. Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries.

Why I'm Not Giving Up... Yet. (Random Thoughts, Edition #2)

2008-12-17T09:35:00.000-08:00

I'm home alone, and the house is oh-so silent. I've got myself a cup of real hot cocoa (real, as in made with milk instead of water.) My husband and two boys are out with my brother, who is visiting us here in Israel. We had a great day of hiking and climbing, and I'm pooped out now.

At first, I thought, hey -- quiet house, I should take some time to work. Then I said forget that, why do I always have to be working, writing, and running? Can't I just chill?

So I'm chilling, and writing this blog post. *sips from hot cocoa*

Random thought #1 - babymaking updates

I had mentioned several blog posts before that in December, we were going to try again. Try with medication, I mean. We've been trying the old fashioned way this entire time, but as before, it hasn't yielded any great results.

Well, I had thought that I would get my period after my brother left. But as luck would have it, I got it 6 days earlier than I usually do. Lovely. I don't want to spend the time my brother is here with ultrasounds, injections, bloodtests, and running here and there. At first, I thought, I'm going to do this anyway. Then, once I thought about it for a bit, and stopped thinking only with emotions, I realized that would be a bad idea.

So January it will be for us, I guess.

Random thoughts #2 - husbands are obnoxious

Of course, I had hoped that I would just get pregnant on my own. That didn't happen, obviously.

But a few weeks ago, when I thought I might be ovulating (though I'm not sure if and when I did, since something this month was definitely off!), I told my husband, "Hey, come on... let's... you know."

He said he wasn't in the mood, really.

I said he better get in the mood, because if we want to make a baby, this is what you have to do... really.

He said, "But you're not taking medication now."

I said, "I know. So what?"

He said, "It's not going to work anyway without medication."

:-0 (me with dropped open mouth, eyes in shock)

He said, "Well, seriously! It's not going to work, so we don't have to try or anything."

I said, "But what if it did! Or could!"

He said, "It wont."

That pissed me off.. and made me sad.

[note: We did do enough baby dancing, if I did ovulate... and it still didn't work. Sort of making him right. But i still say it also makes him sort of an asshole too for saying it.]

Random thought #3 - i think G-d thinks this is funny...

As I said above, I'm not actually sure when or if I ovulated. I never ovulate so early, rarely get my period by 30 days. Usually, I'm a 36-day-cycle sort of gal. As far as I knew, this month, I was going to get my period in another week.

But that wasn't what would happen. Which gives me an interesting little story to share.

As I said, my brother is visiting. We went to Jerusalem on Monday, and visited the Kotel, the Western Wall. So, I went to the women's side, prayed, and of course, asked what I always ask when I'm there -- for a baby. For G-d to please, please, please let me get pregnant, a healthy pregnancy, a healthy baby. All easy and good things, please, please, please.

We left the Kotel, and I was under the (silly) impression that I made my plea to G-d -- and perhaps he might even help out this time.

Exactly 20 minutes later, I went to the bathroom, and discovered blood. Since it was so very early in my cycle for me, I got a bit excited at first, thinking maybe it was implantation bleeding.

*insert strong belly laughter here*

Oh, how silly! No, it was my period, as I discovered later in the day when more blood came along.

On another occasion, in the past, that I prayed at the Kotel, and I was asking for a baby, a bird pooped on my head. Someone told me that is good luck. I have yet to see that luck.

Another time, I had prayed at the kotel, I was actually pregnant. I prayed for an easy birth, and not to miscarry.

But I miscarried.

When will I learn?

Random Thought #4 -- maybe i'm just not supposed to have another child

When we got home from the Kotel, after I went and changed my clothes and put on a nice thick menstrual pad, I went into our bedroom, sat on my bed, and said to my husband, "Maybe we just aren't supposed to have another baby."

He didn't say anything. At least, I don't remember if he did. I think he just gave me a sad smile.

I said, "Because we have two very good boys here. They are ours, and they are wonderful, and maybe that's all we're going to have."

He said, "Maybe."

I keep toying with the idea of quitting. Of saying ok, forget it, this is our family, it's never going to get bigger, I'm never going to have a third child, and I'm certainly never going to have the big family I always dreamed of. Never going to have a girl, never going to nurse another child, never going to give birth again.

And just get myself some birth control to keep the PCOS in check, and get on with my life. Enough already.

But then, I get these visions in my head that are so damn clear. I can see that baby in my arms, and I feel her warmth against my chest, I can see her nursing with that silly high-on-drugs look that babies get when they breastfeed. I can see myself in the hospital, having just given birth, thanking G-d for my little miracle, thanking myself for not giving up too early and for keeping on the fertility journey even when I wanted to quit.

I can see myself taking that baby home, and that little one being raised by his or her big brothers. I can see that baby saying his or her first words, first steps. I can even see myself pregnant yet again after that one, giving that new little one a sibling closer in age that his or her big brothers.

I see it all so clearly, it's like I'm psychic, like I'm not seeing a fantasy, but the future.

This all keeps me from giving up. At least, it works for now. If it will still keep my hopes up after another year, or another treatment or two, or G-d forbid after another miscarriage, I'm not so sure.

But what kills me most inside is that if none of this will happen, where do those pictures and visions come from? Please don't tell me my imagination. Because you'll break my heart and I'll cry. And I don't want to cry.

Crying is what you do at the end of the movie, and I want to believe this is just a very, very long intermission. Not the end. Not yet.

The Weight Loss Adventure Begins!

2008-12-07T22:50:00.000-08:00

So, I had mentioned a few posts ago that I was frustrated with the weight I put on during treatments two months ago. And that the idea of gaining yet more weight when I do treatments again later this month just made me nervous. I also talked about my fear of making a goal that would overtake my trying-to-get-pregnant. (You can read that whole rant here.)

I read all your wonderful comments, and I finally decided I am going to do this. The weight isn't disappearing all by itself, and hey -- if I don't get pregnant, at least I'll be healthier. :)

I discovered this really cool website called Calorie Count. I knew of it before, but never actually tried it out. I found it accidentally while trying to figure out what a normal serving size is for chicken wings. (Ya, I know, not a diet food really... )

Some really cool things about this site is it lets you log what you ate, and adds up the calories for you. But you don't have to know how many calories things are, because there is a database to look things up. It's awesome'ly cool.

Something else I really like is you can download a tool bar for your internet browser. Helps remind me of my goal, and makes it easy to click and add stuff.

Especially since for the first week I was trying to lose weight, I decided I'd just make healthier choices and cut down on sweets -- and I gained weight! That really pissed me off, and I figured I must be doing something wrong. Then I found this site, and discovered I was way over shooting the calories I should be eating in a day, if I want to lose weight.

So, that's about that.

My current challenges are getting in enough protein and eating a real breakfast.

Oh, that, and cutting ~~out~~ down sweets. First, I was going to cut them out all the way, but then I started feeling really deprived. Not of sweets, but love. (Yes, I can be an emotional eater!) Then I searched online to find permission to have a few sweets while dieting. Yes, you can! (Well... some say, and I'm going with them!) So I'm trying that out, will see how it goes.

I've lost 3.5 lbs so far, and that's pretty good I think. The one thing that gets to me is the site tells you the date you'll reach your goal weight, and that date is April 2009. I can't help but look at that and think, "I better not reach my goal weight -- I'd hope to get pregnant before then..."

Show and Tell: The Acacia Tree

2008-11-30T06:17:00.000-08:00

For show and tell this week, I'm bring a photo of this tree. It's nice, isn't it?

I took this picture when we were driving in the Negev Desert. I liked the way the tree was growing all by itself, with almost nothing else growing near by.

There is, of course, a story to this tree. We decided to take a slight detour from the main road, to "quickly" see what's called the small and large "machtesh". Huge craters, which I admit, were really cool. What was not cool was the drive took much longer than we planned, and we almost got stuck on these scary roads after sunset.

You cannot tell from this picture how frightening the roads are, because this was taken at the top of one of the mountains, on a flat bit.

Here are what the roads looked like:

Notice how steep the hill is, how quick the turns are, how there are NO guard rails, certainly no lights, and nothing for miles and miles. There is enough room for a car and a half, but the roads are two way. We almost ran right into a car coming down the hill, and had to squeeze by each other. I covered my eyes the entire time, making all kinds of nervous, squeaky noises, whispering, "Please don't let us die, please don't let us die."

You can see why we wanted to get off these roads before the sun went down!

When we were at the top of the mountain, we went hiking to see one of the craters. It took longer than we expected, but I'll save that story and the picture for another time. Eventually, we were back in the car, realizing how little time we had before the sun set.

Then, when we came across that tree, I told my husband, "Oh, pull over! I want to take a picture."

"Are you crazy? The sun is going down, and we still need to go back down on the other side."

"I know, I know... but, I just like that tree. I'll be quick."

He pulled over, I jumped out of the car, snapped the picture, and we were back on our way.

Random Thoughts, Edition #1

2008-11-25T12:37:00.000-08:00

This is going to be… random. Scrambled, if you will.

1. I learned something about myself today, something I always knew, but have been in deep denial. I am a real introvert. Not in denial about that. What I’m in denial about is that being around people truly tires me out.

I like being with friends and talking to people, I really do. But even time with my best friends tires me out. Today, I had a house full of people, and we had a nice time. However, afterwards, I was exhausted. Exhausted. And all we did was… sit and talk.

2. Speaking of tired, I’ve been unusually tired lately. And no, I’m not even thinking it’s pregnancy signs. Easy for me to say because I have yet to even ovulate this cycle. (However, I already know that if I’m still tired after I ovulate, I’ll be attributing the sleepiness to imaginary pregnancy symptoms.)

3. Speaking of pregnancy, sometimes people say things that just… I don’t know. Someone was telling me about this woman who just had a baby. Said she had given away all her baby stuff, her youngest, or maybe only child, was 10 years old, and then boom, she got pregnant. I was also told this person is much older than me. I don’t know about you but I just don’t want to hear about it.

Is that evil of me? I mean. I just don’t. Especially if the woman was a lot older than me. (I have this complex about this particular topic – it’s a why-is-it-that-I’m-only-31-and-yet-cant-get-pregnant-when-all-these-older-women-get-pregnant-without-trying complex.)

Maybe the person telling me this story meant it for me to feel better? I mean, that is possible. Maybe they meant just to say, hey, look, it can happen. But that isn’t how it registers inside for me. It just, I don’t know. It just doesn’t. It just pisses me off.

4. *yawn*

5. I wanted to do this thing Jennifer Loudon started doing, a “Choose your Life Mondays” thing, where you make a commitment to be aware of certain patterns. All you’re supposed to do is be aware. Not change, not make a plan on how to deal with whatever you’re noticing. Just take note and consider.

Problem is, I can’t do it. Because I don’t know how to be aware of something and not change it. I’d rather ignore it, push it behind the refrigerator with the dust bunnies, than be aware of something and feel like I’m not doing whatever it is I should be doing to make things ~~perfect or~~ right or better.

But, I did want to do it. So, if I was going to, I’d say I’d make a commitment to being aware of my tendency to ignore the signals my body sends me. Case in point, I’m exhausted, and I’m not going to sleep. I’m not just ignoring, but pushing away the tiredness.

Another example. I crave yoga, crave it in a way that makes me think that my yoga mat has some sort of narcotic drug that activates through my skin when I’m in downward facing dog.

But, am I doing yoga? Nope.

I’m tired. Am I sleeping? Nope.

6. Connected random thought – ya think my disconnect from my body may have something to do with the infertility? Not even going to go there.

7. Do you see why I hate this awareness stuff? I can’t deal with knowing that I ignore my body’s signals, and yet, I don’t do something. I feel like, well, gosh darnit, shouldn’t I go to sleep, now that I know I’m not listening? Shouldn’t I wake up tomorrow and do that yoga that my body says to do? How can I stand by, be aware of my ignoring myself, and just go on with the day! It’s crazy! It’s terrible! It’s... it’s… probably very human.

8. I hate being human.

Show and Tell: Charcoal Sketch of an Oil Burner

2008-11-24T03:32:00.000-08:00

For show and tell this week, I'm bringing a sketch I did a few weeks ago of an oil burner. I was doing art with the kids, and decided I'd sit down and color with them.

I could start picking out all my mistakes, but I'm going to resist that urge and just let my drawing speak for itself.

I had been taking drawing classes, but quit after a year of studying. I wish I could keep taking them, but it was a matter of time and money. Time, because I ended up replacing my art class with yoga class, and money, because I can't afford to do both yoga three times a week, and art once a week. That is just beyond our budget. I ended up choosing yoga over art, though every so often, I question whether that was a good idea or not.

I guess, in truth, I need yoga, and I don't need art class. Yoga classes help me keep up with my practice -- without the structure of my yoga classes, I tend to avoid practicing as often as I like. Art classes were fun, but I don't need them. Yoga helped me with tension I hold in my shoulders from sitting at my computer for hours every day. Art class just added to that tension. Yoga, even if I feel like crap before, helps me feel more put together afterwards. Art class made me nervous, because I'm such a terrible perfectionist I worried all the time about making mistakes.

Sometimes my fear of mistake was so great that I sat in art class for a good 15 minutes without drawing. I just kept looking at what we were supposed to draw, and thinking of how to start. My art teacher, who I loved and is wonderful, said, "Do you want me to take your charcoal and just make a big line on the paper? I can do that." I said, "OMG, don't do that!" She said, "Then make a mark! Anything! Don't be so scared to do something wrong."

Ah... what can I say.

Anyway, because of the time factor, I had not picked up my art stuff in a long time. I have so much art stuff, charcoal, pastels, really awesome paper. And every so often, my art stuff calls to me from my office, asking me to please, please pick it up, use it, create something.

But I never do. And I say it's lack of time, but if I was 100% honest with myself, it's time 50% of the time, and fear of drawing something imperfect the other 50% of the time.

Perfectionism is such a terrible disease.

Stupid Logic, or Why I Can’t Lose Weight, ‘Cause What if I Get Pregnant This Month?

2008-11-22T12:21:00.000-08:00

These are the things I really think I should do:

Get back out my Richard Simmon’s Food Mover (Just love moving those little boxes closed, especially the hearts with the affirmations.)
Start going for walks in the mornings every day.
Doing my yoga, even when my teacher is away. (But she is coming back, so…)

I really should do these things, especially since I want to lose weight. I can’t stand that I gained so much weight during my last treatment, and the fear of gaining more with another try in December is just killing me.

So I make all these plans, and then, the dumbest thought comes to mind:

I can’t start on a diet, because what if I get pregnant this month? Then I’ll have to stop my diet.

That is just… stupid.

But it is how I keep thinking, I don’t know why. I’m 170 now. I want to be 160 again at LEAST, with 165 being my top BMI limit according to the charts. So, if we are healthy and not stupid about losing weight, that takes 10 weeks to lose 10 pounds.

But when I start to think 10 weeks ahead, I want to be pregnant in 10 weeks. (Well, I actually want to be pregnant years ago, but let’s ignore that silly fact for now.) It’s almost like if I make myself a goal of losing 10 pounds, I’m making a goal to not get pregnant for two months.

Anyone follow this? Anyone?

The Sweetness of Denial (Or, How Even The Title To The Blog Post is Sarcastic and Bitter)

2008-11-19T03:54:00.000-08:00

I haven’t posted in awhile, and I have three good reasons why not:

1. Because I’ve been feeling depressed.

2. Because it’s November, and if I’m not doing my writing work, then I should be NaNo’ing.

3. Because I’m depressed. (I think depression should get to count twice.)

I have this picture I drew with charcoal, and I wanted to bring it to “show and tell”… but never got around to scanning it in. I had some good ideas for Thursday 13s… but never sat down to write them all out. I’m just feeling down, and that sucks.

I considered coming to my blog, and whining to all of you about why, getting some thoughts off my chest. But then I thought, who wants to hear me whine anyway? Then I realized part of the reason I created this blog was so I didn’t have to feel so alone with all the icky thoughts I get sometimes.

So if you don’t want to hear me whine (and I completely understand that), you should probably stop reading. Go on. Stop it, now.

There were lots of awesome things that happened this month. Things that had to do with my writing career, and some good stuff happening in my personal life. But some how, and I hate this with a passion, the infertility stuff has a way of sucking out the happiness that should be flowing from every which way.

A couple months ago, in September I think, I did injections. Gonal-F, Ovidrel, Crinone, daily baby aspirin, and my regular Metformin, folic acid, and B-Complex. The last time I did a medicated cycle – which was years ago – I got pregnant. I miscarried, but I did get pregnant. Hope reined eternal during this medicated cycle, because I figured, hey – years have gone by, I’m using stronger drugs, and last time, I did get pregnant. This time should be easy! I’ll get pregnant AND not miscarry, a two for one deal (in my mind.)

Well, that didn’t happen. I didn’t even make many follicles (only one so-so sized one). I was really upset when I got my period, and I think I cried for a week.

My RE said they like to have a month break between treatment cycles, to help your body reregulate. I was hysterical about that at first (not sure why after five years of this I suddenly needed everything to happen NOW, but one does tend to get impatient after awhile.) But eventually, I decided that maybe a break was better. Perhaps I should stop crying every day before I start poking myself with needles again (which contain hormones, which will just make me cry more.)

THEN, I realized that my husband would be away on business. Which meant instead of waiting just one “month” to try again, I’d have to wait two.

But that’s ok, I told myself. I’ll just have to get pregnant all on my own. Of course, the fact that we’d been trying without help for a long time, and not getting anywhere, was not a bit of knowledge I was holding onto. I was figuring that after a failed medicated cycle, G-d must take some pity on me.

My husband went away. And while he was gone, my younger son turned 7. He’s my “baby”. I’ve been trying for another since he was two and a half. And then, on my son’s birthday, I got my period. My hopeful cycle didn’t work out, and once again, I wasn’t pregnant.

Oh, I cried. Cried, and cried, and cried. Then I went to listen to Malky’s vent on the Second Time Around Infertility podcast, and I cried some more. Someone left me a mean comment on a blog of mine, and I cried some more.

My yoga teacher, who is away in the States, emailed me to ask if I’d been doing any yoga. Of course, I hadn’t been, and I cried some more.

There was a lot of crying.

Now, I stopped crying. I said, ok, fine. I have this cycle to get pregnant on my own (ha ha). And if not, in December, we can try again.

And then… our bank account ate all our money. Well, not exactly. What actually happened is we had a bunch of unforeseen expenses which brought us negative. I said to my husband, the spender of the family, that we’ll have to be more frugal. (Easy for me to say, I’m the frugal one.) We won’t be buying extra stuff for awhile, and we’ll just have to tighten our belts until we’re even again, probably sometime in February.

And THEN it hit me – I wanted to do another medicated cycle in December. But we don’t have any money for the medications for December.

I think you know what I did next. (Three letter word, starts with “c”, ends with “y”.)

My husband said it doesn’t matter. We’ll just go more negative, we’ll do the medicated cycle. I said it’s not right, I hate being in debt. He said it’s alright, it’s not like the money won’t come. It will, we just have to wait. We’re going to do it. Don’t cry.

Obviously, now I feel the pressure even more to get pregnant this month, before we try another medicated cycle. Have myself a Chanukah miracle. (Can Jews have Christmas miracles? Hmmm.)

Oh, and to top all this off, the medicated cycle landed me with an extra 10 pounds, putting me 5 pounds overweight. And having PCOS, being overweight makes getting pregnant more difficult, which, you know, when I realized this I… ok, enough crying already.

Show and Tell: Sunrise Over The Jordanian Mountains

2008-11-02T01:56:00.000-07:00

For this time's show and tell, I've got a picture to share. I took this in Eilat, on the beach, at around 5 am in the morning.

I actually woke up just to watch the sun rise and take pictures, only to have my camera batteries be dead. I was only able to take a couple photos. This was the best of the three I took. (This was back in June or July, can't remember which, when we went on a family vacation "down south".)

So... without further ado, a photo of the sun rising over the Jordanian Mountains, from the Israeli side.

13 NaNoWriMo Writing Thoughts (From a “Real Writer”)

2008-11-01T23:28:00.000-07:00

Let me explain the “real writer” thing. Honestly. I feel if you write, and you are serious about your writing (ie, you make an effort, you’re always trying, you come to the page and type/write/whatever), then you are a writer. Some people, though, think that you need to be published to be considered a real writer, or you have to make your living through writing.

I found this came up often at a writer retreat I attended this past Thursday. Any time someone new spoke to me, they wanted a low-down of every single thing I published. Once they discovered I was a “real writer”, then they’d bombard me with questions. Like I hold all the answers. (Haha!)

Anyway, so… that’s why my 13 list is from a “real writer” – for those that care.

So now… onto the 13… !

For all you NaNos (Or WriMos, whatever you like to be called) who are about to jump into your novels, or have already jumped in… or if you’re sitting on the fence trying to justify jumping in, here are 13 scrambled thoughts on NaNoWriMo:

1. Just write!

As in, don’t worry if your plot is good, don’t worry if you don’t even have a plot. This is NaNoWriMo time! Not final-draft-in-one-sitting time.

I thought I had my plot figured. Then I sat down, wrote my first 600 words, and discovered that there is a vital part of my plot that I didn’t know about, until one of my characters sprung it on me.

So… just write! Stop thinking so darn hard about it.

2. Don’t wait for the “perfect” time.

This is for both those who signed up, and those who didn’t because they just don’t have time.

For those who “just don’t have time”: You are never going to have time. I don’t have time, trust me. But I do it because it’s an awesome creativity challenge, something to exercise my writing muscles. Every NaNoWriMo I do, I learn something new about myself and my writing. But it only works great *because* I have no time. Just do it!

For those who signed up: Don’t wait for the “right day” to start, or you will never start. Ideally, for NaNo, you should commit to writing a bit for at least 15 minutes a day. Obviously 15 minutes a day will never get you to 50,000 words, but making sure you find 15 minutes even on the busiest day will get your brain thinking about your novel, and you might just discover that you have more time than you thought.

(Anyway, not having enough time is usually about fear, which brings me to…)

3. Don’t be afraid that you’re wasting time.

See above reasons why writing your NaNo is never a waste of time. And anyway, if you want to be a writer, especially if you want to be a “real writer”, you have to jump into the water and swim. That means practice, practice, practice. If you never try, you will never become good.

Think of super-duper Olympian Phelps. He didn’t jump in the pool the first time and break records. In fact, there was a time when the boy couldn’t tread water, let alone swim. And he didn’t know if he would ever make it.

You might not be sure if you’ll ever become a real writer, you might not be sure if you’ll be able to publish this novel.

That doesn’t matter now. All that matters is that you jump in the damn pool, get wet, and start learning to swim. It may be your first novel, or more realistically, it might be your 10th novel that finally gets published. But you’ve got to try, you’ve got to write, you’ve got to practice, if you ever want it to happen.

4. Write past your fear!

More about fear (writers tend to be fearful creatures, in my experience), you have to write past your fear. You’ll sit down, start typing, and right away, all those nasty fear gremlins will pop-up.

“Oh, you’ll never be good enough.”

“This is what your writing? What crap!”

“You can’t write this! Your parents/grandma/husband/children will hate you/leave you/never speak to you/kill you.”

When these nasty gremlins start talking -- and oh, they will -- listen to what they say… and write anyway. Every writer hears these guys. You have to push past them. And when you do, you’ll be amazed at how good it feels once you get going and start to fly. (And that may take a lot of writing and pushing, or it may come quickly. But trust me, the high is worth it.)

5. If your story keeps tapping and saying “write me, write me”, and you keep saying, “no, no, I can’t write that.” That means you probably need to write it before you will be able to write anything else.

This is another fear issue. Sometimes the story that is begging to be written is not one that feels “safe” to write. To auto-biographical, or not high-and-mighty enough for your literary pals.

Whatever your reasons are for doubt, if the story keeps asking to be written, you best just get it down. Even if you never show it to any one else, there is a reason you need to write the story. So write it. Do it.

Last year, my NaNo novel was way too personal, and I didn’t want to write it. Every year this happened to me, and every year I dropped out. Last year I realized if I didn’t write my story, I wouldn’t be able to write at all. So I did, and I won NaNo 2007.

It also released me emotionally for the story that just kept knocking.

6. Write even when you have no idea what to write.

You might be thinking, “But how can I write, if I don’t know what to write?”

Describe things. Do you have an idea of a scene in your head? Write that. Do you hear a line of dialogue? Write that.

7. And don’t get hung up about writing it well.

This is NaNo. If you let yourself get hung up about how well you write, you’ll get stuck. This is the first draft, and you’re only goal is to get the story down, figuring it out as you go along if you need to. Writing poetic prose is NOT the goal.

And, most important… NEVER EDIT.

I make notes in my NaNo novels. Things like…

(Delete this entire chapter, sucks, it’s terrible.)

Or

(Next bit of dialogue just me rambling trying to figure out where this is all going.)

But don’t delete it! Not now! Now just write.

8. Remind yourself of why you are doing this… often.

Why are you doing this? Gee, I hope you know. If you feel a passion or need, then you have a reason. I don’t know why you are doing this, but I know why I am doing NaNo.

Because it feels awesome to make big, messy art.

Because it’s the best cure for writer’s block -- forced writing, lots of it, in a short period of time.

Because I want to learn how to write a novel, and this is an awesome bootcamp.

Because I love to write, and I love to read.

Because when I finish, I know I will be on top of the world.

What’s your reason?

9. Don’t worry about being behind.

Sometimes, people get to the second or third week, and realize they have yet to hit 25,000 words. How in the world will they get to 50K?

You can. I wrote my last 30K last year in the last week. As posted before, I did that 3-day novel contest, where I wrote 20,000 words in about two days time.

Getting behind happens, but it’s no reason to give up. Keep pushing, keep writing. You can do this!

That being said…

10. Try to set a time for writing, and don’t break the date.

As I mentioned way above, even 15 minutes a day should keep your novel juices running. But that’s not enough to win. Set a time on your calendar for when you will write.

I wrote into my calendar an hour of writing every day, listed after I finished all my paid writing work. It’s at night, which means I won’t write as well as I do in the morning or daytime. But that’s alright. This is NaNo. Crap is allowed.

11. Celebrate crap.

Yes, celebrate the crap you write. If you wrote 2,000 words of crap today, celebrate those 2,000 words. It may be in the end, you only keep 100 words, or that that entire section gets tossed.

Doesn’t matter. You wrote 2,000 words to your next goal. Do NOT edit and do NOT delete in NaNo. Only look at the word count.

2,000 words are worth celebrating… even if they are crap.

12. Find writing buddies to cheer you on.

I have the world’s best, best friend. I wrote my first 600 words, and I was in the “omg, this so sucks” mind set. I sent my crap her way, for her opinion. She wrote to me:

oh your crap is great crap...worthy crap, best dung i've read in a long time...including shit that's been published.

You need friends like this during NaNo. There are message boards at the NaNo site, good for finding a buddy. It helps to have someone who understands, who is also totally strung out of coffee, also fighting their way towards 50K.

Also, sign up for the NaNoWriMo pep talks. They are inspirational, helpful, and so funny.

Listen to WriMo Radio, too. It’ll keep you going and excited.

What you do NOT need are friends who ask why are you doing this, tell you that your writing is good, “except…”, and other such non-NaNo friendly comments.

You know why you are doing this (see above.) And NaNo is not the time for critique. That’ll come later, after you self-edit your novel, AFTER YOU WIN NANO and get to the 50,000 words goal.

13. Have fun!

I mean, isn’t that the most important tip of all?

Here’s to a month of big, messy art!

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Show and Tell: My 3 Day Novel!

2008-10-26T03:41:00.000-07:00

I’m excited to be participating in my first show and tell! Since I’ve been talking about it lately quite a lot, and with NaNoWriMo coming up this weekend, I thought I’d bring to show and tell…

My three-day novel!

Titled… Mystified

Final word count was… 19,650

Written, from start to finish, over the course of just three days… (Actually, two days, because the third day, I had to be somewhere other than my computer… so I typed very, very fast. Very.)

Um, I don’t have a picture. Maybe you can just imagine me standing here, with my 100 page novel in my hands…

I’ll have to just explain it to you.

I hear you asking, “But what is a 3 day novel?”

Such a good question. There is this contest called the 3 day novel contest. You can check out their website and learn all the details, but here are the basics: Over the Labor Day weekend every year, since 1977, a group of crazy people have taken on the challenge of writing a novel in just three days. Yes, an entire novel, from start to finish, in three days. Though you might call it a novelette – the average length is 25,000 words, as opposed to 80,000 words. It started off as a small group, and it has gotten larger and larger each year.

There is a fee to officially participate (thank G-d, because if not for that fee, I would have dropped out.) A few days after the contest is over, you mail your completed three day novel to the contest people, and they choose their favorite, the best one, to win the grand prize – publication! Second place is $500. There is also a short list of the runner ups. (I don’t think they get anything but bragging rights.)

So! With that said, I took the challenge and did the 3-day novel this year.

I had no idea what I would write until literally the day before the contest. I would get ideas all through the preceding month, declare them the very BEST idea EVER… only to decide a few days afterwards that it was actually the stupidest idea ever, and just how did I ever think THAT would be a good story… . I have this same problem every year with NaNoWriMo.

Anyway, that was how the entire month before the contest went. Three days before the contest, I was totally freaking out. I was on the phone with my best friend (who I also dragged into this contest), begging her to help me, PLEASE help me, come up with an idea. I was just about to start begging on the street (hat held out, whispering, “Spare some novel ideas, could you sir?”), when I finally got an awesome idea.

Sort of. What actually happened was, I was looking online for story prompts, saw the phrase “mystic’s daughter”, and said, “YES! That’s my story!”

It was all very exciting.

The day the contest began, I put together a very rough chapter outline. Essentially, I wrote the titles of my chapters (which changed as I wrote, but they generally did stay the same). What was particularly exciting was that, unlike NaNoWriMo, with the 3-day novel contest, you need to finish the story. It’s not about reaching a certain word count, but actually having a beginning, middle, and end.

I “won” NaNoWriMo last year, but I did not have a complete story. I had 50,000 words. And boy did I celebrate those 50,000 words. But I totally skipped the middle of my story. I had written the beginning and the end, but no middle.

With my 3 day novel, I had to write it all. No skipping. The chapter outline helped me see my way to the end.

And I did! In TWO days… ! Yes, I slept, and I ate.

(I have to warn those thinking of doing this: for the entire week after the contest, I was in a daze. It is exhausting emotionally. But fun, oh so fun. Kind of like a crazy high during, followed by a week long hangover.)

I’ll write more about the process and what I learned during the 3 day novel contest (and how I will apply that during this years NaNoWriMo) in another blog post.

But as for my show and tell, there it is. And the best thing is that looking back at it now, the novel isn’t half bad! Which is saying somethin’ for a three day fiction quest of almost 20,000 words.

2008-10-22T23:39:00.000-07:00

Thirteen Things about My Scrambled Eggs

I was going to do something cooler than this, but I’ll save my coolness for another post. Instead, since this blog is brand new, I thought I’d tell you 13 things about my scrambled eggs (ie, secondary infertility thing.)

1. I have two boys, age 7 and 9, who I know are blessings and miracles. How I got pregnant with them, no one can seem to tell me. But I’ll take ‘em.

2. I’ve been trying to have another baby since the 7 year old was 2 years old. So, five years…

3. Since then, I’ve had three miscarriages. They all sucked, but each had their features.

4. My first miscarriage was the normal sort, except for the part where I totally freaked out emotionally. Certain members of my fam did not offer the kind of support I was hoping (like, love instead of “oh, get over it”), and that also made things all for the worse.

5. Few months after this miscarriage, I went to a famous Rabbi (very very famous) for a blessing, or a bracha for those of you from “the tribe”. I asked him for a bracha that we should get pregnant.

6. Three days later, literary, I conceived. I was amazed.

7. Seven weeks later, I had the most traumatic miscarriage ever. Hospital, surgery, passing out in the ER. It was... lovely. I started giving G-d the silence treatment.

8. People tell me that I didn’t ask the Rabbi for a specific enough bracha. I want to kill these people.

9. Two months after said second miscarriage, I just stopped ovulating. Just because?

10. Went to doc, who did blood work and other testing. Diagnosed me with PCOS. Asked me, “Are you sure you had your first two kids naturally?” I thought, “Am I really that broken?!”

11. Took Clomid, got pregnant. Miscarried again.

12. Took a break from baby making for a couple years. After two years of trying and three miscarriages, I needed a break.

13. Started up again a year and a half ago, started taking Metformin. Six months after that, did a cycle of injectables (cocktail mix: Gonal-F 75, Ovidrel, Progesterone, baby aspirin.) It didn’t work.

And that is where we are today! I get to try with drugs again in December. Which feels so very far away from right now.

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What Are My Scrambled Eggs?

2008-10-21T23:16:00.000-07:00

Oh, such a good question. Well, I have a few meanings behind that...

1. My scrambled eggs are my not-so-lovely ovaries, which tend to produce less than worthy eggs. I've got enough eggs to make omelettes... but they're all scrambled. How many scrambled eggs can one person eat? I'd love for one of my eggs to hatch and give me a chickie! (For those who could not follow that analogy all the way through - I want to get pregnant and have a baby.)

2. I love to blog, but I have, oh, like, 10 blogs. I can't even remember all the URLs, let alone their log-in information. (If you know where my little lost blogs are, don't post it here... because....) And, anyway, I wanted to start fresh. Nothing connected to those old blogs. New me. New blog. New stuff to write. New place for all my scrambled thoughts.

3. Speaking of scrambled thoughts, I never know what kind of blog I want to have. Do I want one with my real name? (Hell, no.) Do I want one that talks about just the infertility? One that talks about writing? How 'bout the upcoming NaNoWriMo? How about just in general life? And what about life in Israel? Or maybe a blog for my creative moments? Or my so-not-creative moments? Oh, my thoughts... so very scrambled on this, too!

4. I've been dying for a place to write about how I feel as I go through all this baby making stuff. I had an old blog where I talked about it, but I also talked about some other "stuff" that I'd like to remain very private. And this blog, I'm thinking it'll be semi-private.

In other words, people who know me, will know me (there's a deep thought), and I won't be totally careful about hiding who I am... but I'm not going to go out there, bare-egg and all, and walk around without some cheese, veggies, and pita around these scrambled eggs.

All this to say...

Call me Ishmael.

Ok, not really.... But you can call me Rachel.