Drinking in the Poetry This Month

I'm *so* excited. April is National Poetry Month... in America, anyway, but hey, I'm happy to celebrate here in Israel, too. Why not.

I love poetry, modern poetry, that is. I've been writing poetry since I was a kid; one of my first poems I remember writing in 5th or 6th grade. I wish I had the blank book I wrote those first poems in, but I do actually have the poems that I wrote in high school. I saved the notebooks, and they are in a drawer, in my office. Lots of dark material, but also some very beautiful poetry. Some are dark and beautiful, those aren't mutually exclusive attributes.

When I went looking for my old poetry, last time I visited my parent's house two years ago, I didn't expect to find good poetry. I expected to find lots of crap, honestly. But some of it was really nice.

Anyway, I'm making April poetry month for me, too. There is this fun challenge at Poetic Asides, the poetry blog for Writer's Digest magazine. The challenge is to write a poem for every day of April, based on a prompt. I'm loving it so far! If this sounds like something you might want to participate in, you can read the rules here: Poem-a-Day Challenge

I'm playing, and you can find my poems there in the comment section by searching for my name. 'course, I don't write my full name here on my blog, for my own crazy reasons... but you can email me and ask, if you like: myscrambledeggs @ gmail.com (no spaces)

Another great thing about poetry month? Poets.org is sending out a poem a day all month! (I found out from Leah at http://creativeeveryday.com/. (LOVE her blog, read every entry. To sign up for the poem a day, delivered to your email box, go here.

I'm the Worst Blogger, eh?

You know, if my ADD isn't clear in my blogging habits, I don't know where it is.

Lots has happened. Let's see, in summary...

We had a war here in Israel. That threw me off completely, which is about the time I forgot about this blog and stopped blogging here.

I went through another treatment cycle in January. It didn't work. That sucked.

Went back to fertility doctor, who came up with a new and improved plan. We're doing IUI this time. We'll see if it works! He told us to have patience. I'm tryin'. We start again when I get my period again.

I decided to resign from a long time teaching position I've had, for a good six years. I did so to have more time for my creative writing, and for my two boys. It's been an exciting, but also scary, experience. Now what's my excuse for not writing my poetry and short stories? (I mean, like, besides the fact that I homeschool by boys and have a almost full time job writing non-fiction... besides that.)

I'd like to blog some more here, but I get all freaked out and scared. It's silly really. Sometimes, I get tired of holding all these secrets, of all different sorts, and even more tired of keeping other people's secrets.

Sometimes, I think that what I'm most afraid of is that I won't be paying attention, and I'll let something slip I didn't mean to let slip.

What am I afraid to let slip? Not tellin', but you know, I think we all have secrets we keep. And this out-there-internet life we have makes the vulnerability meter go off the charts at times. Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries.

Why I'm Not Giving Up... Yet. (Random Thoughts, Edition #2)

I'm home alone, and the house is oh-so silent. I've got myself a cup of real hot cocoa (real, as in made with milk instead of water.) My husband and two boys are out with my brother, who is visiting us here in Israel. We had a great day of hiking and climbing, and I'm pooped out now.

At first, I thought, hey -- quiet house, I should take some time to work. Then I said forget that, why do I always have to be working, writing, and running? Can't I just chill?

So I'm chilling, and writing this blog post. *sips from hot cocoa*

Random thought #1 - babymaking updates

I had mentioned several blog posts before that in December, we were going to try again. Try with medication, I mean. We've been trying the old fashioned way this entire time, but as before, it hasn't yielded any great results.

Well, I had thought that I would get my period after my brother left. But as luck would have it, I got it 6 days earlier than I usually do. Lovely. I don't want to spend the time my brother is here with ultrasounds, injections, bloodtests, and running here and there. At first, I thought, I'm going to do this anyway. Then, once I thought about it for a bit, and stopped thinking only with emotions, I realized that would be a bad idea.

So January it will be for us, I guess.

Random thoughts #2 - husbands are obnoxious

Of course, I had hoped that I would just get pregnant on my own. That didn't happen, obviously.

But a few weeks ago, when I thought I might be ovulating (though I'm not sure if and when I did, since something this month was definitely off!), I told my husband, "Hey, come on... let's... you know."

He said he wasn't in the mood, really.

I said he better get in the mood, because if we want to make a baby, this is what you have to do... really.

He said, "But you're not taking medication now."

I said, "I know. So what?"

He said, "It's not going to work anyway without medication."

:-0 (me with dropped open mouth, eyes in shock)

He said, "Well, seriously! It's not going to work, so we don't have to try or anything."

I said, "But what if it did! Or could!"

He said, "It wont."

That pissed me off.. and made me sad.

[note: We did do enough baby dancing, if I did ovulate... and it still didn't work. Sort of making him right. But i still say it also makes him sort of an asshole too for saying it.]

Random thought #3 - i think G-d thinks this is funny...

As I said above, I'm not actually sure when or if I ovulated. I never ovulate so early, rarely get my period by 30 days. Usually, I'm a 36-day-cycle sort of gal. As far as I knew, this month, I was going to get my period in another week.

But that wasn't what would happen. Which gives me an interesting little story to share.

As I said, my brother is visiting. We went to Jerusalem on Monday, and visited the Kotel, the Western Wall. So, I went to the women's side, prayed, and of course, asked what I always ask when I'm there -- for a baby. For G-d to please, please, please let me get pregnant, a healthy pregnancy, a healthy baby. All easy and good things, please, please, please.

We left the Kotel, and I was under the (silly) impression that I made my plea to G-d -- and perhaps he might even help out this time.

Exactly 20 minutes later, I went to the bathroom, and discovered blood. Since it was so very early in my cycle for me, I got a bit excited at first, thinking maybe it was implantation bleeding.

*insert strong belly laughter here*

Oh, how silly! No, it was my period, as I discovered later in the day when more blood came along.

On another occasion, in the past, that I prayed at the Kotel, and I was asking for a baby, a bird pooped on my head. Someone told me that is good luck. I have yet to see that luck.

Another time, I had prayed at the kotel, I was actually pregnant. I prayed for an easy birth, and not to miscarry.

But I miscarried.

When will I learn?

Random Thought #4 -- maybe i'm just not supposed to have another child

When we got home from the Kotel, after I went and changed my clothes and put on a nice thick menstrual pad, I went into our bedroom, sat on my bed, and said to my husband, "Maybe we just aren't supposed to have another baby."

He didn't say anything. At least, I don't remember if he did. I think he just gave me a sad smile.

I said, "Because we have two very good boys here. They are ours, and they are wonderful, and maybe that's all we're going to have."

He said, "Maybe."

I keep toying with the idea of quitting. Of saying ok, forget it, this is our family, it's never going to get bigger, I'm never going to have a third child, and I'm certainly never going to have the big family I always dreamed of. Never going to have a girl, never going to nurse another child, never going to give birth again.

And just get myself some birth control to keep the PCOS in check, and get on with my life. Enough already.

But then, I get these visions in my head that are so damn clear. I can see that baby in my arms, and I feel her warmth against my chest, I can see her nursing with that silly high-on-drugs look that babies get when they breastfeed. I can see myself in the hospital, having just given birth, thanking G-d for my little miracle, thanking myself for not giving up too early and for keeping on the fertility journey even when I wanted to quit.

I can see myself taking that baby home, and that little one being raised by his or her big brothers. I can see that baby saying his or her first words, first steps. I can even see myself pregnant yet again after that one, giving that new little one a sibling closer in age that his or her big brothers.

I see it all so clearly, it's like I'm psychic, like I'm not seeing a fantasy, but the future.

This all keeps me from giving up. At least, it works for now. If it will still keep my hopes up after another year, or another treatment or two, or G-d forbid after another miscarriage, I'm not so sure.

But what kills me most inside is that if none of this will happen, where do those pictures and visions come from? Please don't tell me my imagination. Because you'll break my heart and I'll cry. And I don't want to cry.

Crying is what you do at the end of the movie, and I want to believe this is just a very, very long intermission. Not the end. Not yet.

The Weight Loss Adventure Begins!

So, I had mentioned a few posts ago that I was frustrated with the weight I put on during treatments two months ago. And that the idea of gaining yet more weight when I do treatments again later this month just made me nervous. I also talked about my fear of making a goal that would overtake my trying-to-get-pregnant. (You can read that whole rant here.)

I read all your wonderful comments, and I finally decided I am going to do this. The weight isn't disappearing all by itself, and hey -- if I don't get pregnant, at least I'll be healthier. :)

I discovered this really cool website called Calorie Count. I knew of it before, but never actually tried it out. I found it accidentally while trying to figure out what a normal serving size is for chicken wings. (Ya, I know, not a diet food really... )

Some really cool things about this site is it lets you log what you ate, and adds up the calories for you. But you don't have to know how many calories things are, because there is a database to look things up. It's awesome'ly cool.

Something else I really like is you can download a tool bar for your internet browser. Helps remind me of my goal, and makes it easy to click and add stuff.

Especially since for the first week I was trying to lose weight, I decided I'd just make healthier choices and cut down on sweets -- and I gained weight! That really pissed me off, and I figured I must be doing something wrong. Then I found this site, and discovered I was way over shooting the calories I should be eating in a day, if I want to lose weight.

So, that's about that.

My current challenges are getting in enough protein and eating a real breakfast.

Oh, that, and cutting out down sweets. First, I was going to cut them out all the way, but then I started feeling really deprived. Not of sweets, but love. (Yes, I can be an emotional eater!) Then I searched online to find permission to have a few sweets while dieting. Yes, you can! (Well... some say, and I'm going with them!) So I'm trying that out, will see how it goes.

I've lost 3.5 lbs so far, and that's pretty good I think. The one thing that gets to me is the site tells you the date you'll reach your goal weight, and that date is April 2009. I can't help but look at that and think, "I better not reach my goal weight -- I'd hope to get pregnant before then..."

Show and Tell: The Acacia Tree

For show and tell this week, I'm bring a photo of this tree. It's nice, isn't it?

I took this picture when we were driving in the Negev Desert. I liked the way the tree was growing all by itself, with almost nothing else growing near by.

There is, of course, a story to this tree. We decided to take a slight detour from the main road, to "quickly" see what's called the small and large "machtesh". Huge craters, which I admit, were really cool. What was not cool was the drive took much longer than we planned, and we almost got stuck on these scary roads after sunset.


You cannot tell from this picture how frightening the roads are, because this was taken at the top of one of the mountains, on a flat bit.

Here are what the roads looked like:

Notice how steep the hill is, how quick the turns are, how there are NO guard rails, certainly no lights, and nothing for miles and miles. There is enough room for a car and a half, but the roads are two way. We almost ran right into a car coming down the hill, and had to squeeze by each other. I covered my eyes the entire time, making all kinds of nervous, squeaky noises, whispering, "Please don't let us die, please don't let us die."

You can see why we wanted to get off these roads before the sun went down!

When we were at the top of the mountain, we went hiking to see one of the craters. It took longer than we expected, but I'll save that story and the picture for another time. Eventually, we were back in the car, realizing how little time we had before the sun set.

Then, when we came across that tree, I told my husband, "Oh, pull over! I want to take a picture."

"Are you crazy? The sun is going down, and we still need to go back down on the other side."

"I know, I know... but, I just like that tree. I'll be quick."

He pulled over, I jumped out of the car, snapped the picture, and we were back on our way.

Random Thoughts, Edition #1

This is going to be… random. Scrambled, if you will.

1. I learned something about myself today, something I always knew, but have been in deep denial. I am a real introvert. Not in denial about that. What I’m in denial about is that being around people truly tires me out.

I like being with friends and talking to people, I really do. But even time with my best friends tires me out. Today, I had a house full of people, and we had a nice time. However, afterwards, I was exhausted. Exhausted. And all we did was… sit and talk.

2. Speaking of tired, I’ve been unusually tired lately. And no, I’m not even thinking it’s pregnancy signs. Easy for me to say because I have yet to even ovulate this cycle. (However, I already know that if I’m still tired after I ovulate, I’ll be attributing the sleepiness to imaginary pregnancy symptoms.)

3. Speaking of pregnancy, sometimes people say things that just… I don’t know. Someone was telling me about this woman who just had a baby. Said she had given away all her baby stuff, her youngest, or maybe only child, was 10 years old, and then boom, she got pregnant. I was also told this person is much older than me. I don’t know about you but I just don’t want to hear about it.

Is that evil of me? I mean. I just don’t. Especially if the woman was a lot older than me. (I have this complex about this particular topic – it’s a why-is-it-that-I’m-only-31-and-yet-cant-get-pregnant-when-all-these-older-women-get-pregnant-without-trying complex.)

Maybe the person telling me this story meant it for me to feel better? I mean, that is possible. Maybe they meant just to say, hey, look, it can happen. But that isn’t how it registers inside for me. It just, I don’t know. It just doesn’t. It just pisses me off.

4. *yawn*

5. I wanted to do this thing Jennifer Loudon started doing, a “Choose your Life Mondays” thing, where you make a commitment to be aware of certain patterns. All you’re supposed to do is be aware. Not change, not make a plan on how to deal with whatever you’re noticing. Just take note and consider.

Problem is, I can’t do it. Because I don’t know how to be aware of something and not change it. I’d rather ignore it, push it behind the refrigerator with the dust bunnies, than be aware of something and feel like I’m not doing whatever it is I should be doing to make things perfect or right or better.

But, I did want to do it. So, if I was going to, I’d say I’d make a commitment to being aware of my tendency to ignore the signals my body sends me. Case in point, I’m exhausted, and I’m not going to sleep. I’m not just ignoring, but pushing away the tiredness.

Another example. I crave yoga, crave it in a way that makes me think that my yoga mat has some sort of narcotic drug that activates through my skin when I’m in downward facing dog.

But, am I doing yoga? Nope.

I’m tired. Am I sleeping? Nope.

6. Connected random thought – ya think my disconnect from my body may have something to do with the infertility? Not even going to go there.

7. Do you see why I hate this awareness stuff? I can’t deal with knowing that I ignore my body’s signals, and yet, I don’t do something. I feel like, well, gosh darnit, shouldn’t I go to sleep, now that I know I’m not listening? Shouldn’t I wake up tomorrow and do that yoga that my body says to do? How can I stand by, be aware of my ignoring myself, and just go on with the day! It’s crazy! It’s terrible! It’s... it’s… probably very human.

8. I hate being human.

Show and Tell: Charcoal Sketch of an Oil Burner

For show and tell this week, I'm bringing a sketch I did a few weeks ago of an oil burner. I was doing art with the kids, and decided I'd sit down and color with them.

I could start picking out all my mistakes, but I'm going to resist that urge and just let my drawing speak for itself.

I had been taking drawing classes, but quit after a year of studying. I wish I could keep taking them, but it was a matter of time and money. Time, because I ended up replacing my art class with yoga class, and money, because I can't afford to do both yoga three times a week, and art once a week. That is just beyond our budget. I ended up choosing yoga over art, though every so often, I question whether that was a good idea or not.

I guess, in truth, I need yoga, and I don't need art class. Yoga classes help me keep up with my practice -- without the structure of my yoga classes, I tend to avoid practicing as often as I like. Art classes were fun, but I don't need them. Yoga helped me with tension I hold in my shoulders from sitting at my computer for hours every day. Art class just added to that tension. Yoga, even if I feel like crap before, helps me feel more put together afterwards. Art class made me nervous, because I'm such a terrible perfectionist I worried all the time about making mistakes.

Sometimes my fear of mistake was so great that I sat in art class for a good 15 minutes without drawing. I just kept looking at what we were supposed to draw, and thinking of how to start. My art teacher, who I loved and is wonderful, said, "Do you want me to take your charcoal and just make a big line on the paper? I can do that." I said, "OMG, don't do that!" She said, "Then make a mark! Anything! Don't be so scared to do something wrong."

Ah... what can I say.

Anyway, because of the time factor, I had not picked up my art stuff in a long time. I have so much art stuff, charcoal, pastels, really awesome paper. And every so often, my art stuff calls to me from my office, asking me to please, please pick it up, use it, create something.

But I never do. And I say it's lack of time, but if I was 100% honest with myself, it's time 50% of the time, and fear of drawing something imperfect the other 50% of the time.

Perfectionism is such a terrible disease.